I CAN SMELL YOUR FATE

You're all going to die. Let me tell you how.

Chokes to death on a blue Dildo. The dildo itself is a bit of paraphernalia from back when the movie Avatar was still a popular enough reference to make porno parodies of it.  He finds it in an antique shop and manages to convince the reluctant owner to part with it, but not before the owner issues a warning. Anyone who buys the dildo, chokes to death on the dildo.   As he walks out of the store with what he thinks is gonna be a hilarious gag gift for a friend, he laughs just mentally organizing the story he’s gonna tell everyone about the bizarre encounter with the store owner. “Choke on the dildo…” he says out loud, still giggling, but then he remembers maybe the guy was actually quoting Avatar.  It’s been a long time since he’s seen it, but yeah, yeah, he thinks that’s something one of the characters says during the climactic battle at the end.  Still, it’s pretty funny. He doesn’t even make it halfway to the subway before he’s jamming the ridiculous blue thing down his throat, his eyes bulging with terror and confusion, the shopkeeper’s words just going round and round in his head. How did the shopkeeper avoid the curse?  Did someone GIVE him the dildo?  He did say you choke on it if you BUY it, so maybe that’s how it works.  Why the fuck would the shopkeeper sell it to him then?  Why not just give it to him for free if he was so reluctant to sell it in the first place?  Was he reluctant because he didn’t want to be responsible for another person’s death?  Seriously, just what the fuck is up with all of that?  At least in Gremlins the old shopkeeper has the Mogwai stolen from him.  That old man was trying to be responsible, even if his security was seriously lax.   As he tries to remember the little song Gizmo always hummed in that movie, he dies, slumped against the wall of a closed down bodega.   He’s left untouched by passersby who assume he’s yet another homeless dildo addict, but the shopkeeper shows up, and the shopkeeper knows what he is.  The shopkeeper just shakes his head sadly, and pulls the dildo from his mouth and vanishes into the night. Though it has nothing to do with his actual process of dying, it’s worth noting that by the time people realize he’s dead, an alley cat has eaten one of his eyelids off.

Chokes to death on a blue Dildo.

The dildo itself is a bit of paraphernalia from back when the movie Avatar was still a popular enough reference to make porno parodies of it.  He finds it in an antique shop and manages to convince the reluctant owner to part with it, but not before the owner issues a warning.

Anyone who buys the dildo, chokes to death on the dildo.  

As he walks out of the store with what he thinks is gonna be a hilarious gag gift for a friend, he laughs just mentally organizing the story he’s gonna tell everyone about the bizarre encounter with the store owner.

“Choke on the dildo…” he says out loud, still giggling, but then he remembers maybe the guy was actually quoting Avatar.  It’s been a long time since he’s seen it, but yeah, yeah, he thinks that’s something one of the characters says during the climactic battle at the end.  Still, it’s pretty funny.

He doesn’t even make it halfway to the subway before he’s jamming the ridiculous blue thing down his throat, his eyes bulging with terror and confusion, the shopkeeper’s words just going round and round in his head.

How did the shopkeeper avoid the curse?  Did someone GIVE him the dildo?  He did say you choke on it if you BUY it, so maybe that’s how it works.  Why the fuck would the shopkeeper sell it to him then?  Why not just give it to him for free if he was so reluctant to sell it in the first place?  Was he reluctant because he didn’t want to be responsible for another person’s death?  Seriously, just what the fuck is up with all of that?  At least in Gremlins the old shopkeeper has the Mogwai stolen from him.  That old man was trying to be responsible, even if his security was seriously lax.  

As he tries to remember the little song Gizmo always hummed in that movie, he dies, slumped against the wall of a closed down bodega.  

He’s left untouched by passersby who assume he’s yet another homeless dildo addict, but the shopkeeper shows up, and the shopkeeper knows what he is.  The shopkeeper just shakes his head sadly, and pulls the dildo from his mouth and vanishes into the night.

Though it has nothing to do with his actual process of dying, it’s worth noting that by the time people realize he’s dead, an alley cat has eaten one of his eyelids off.

1 year ago

  1. hopelessly-unemployed reblogged this from icansmellyourfate and added:
    Yup, and I can say I knew him when. Well done Rob. Well done.
  2. bonkbonkscout reblogged this from dinojhonen
  3. dinojhonen reblogged this from icansmellyourfate
  4. proseburial reblogged this from icansmellyourfate
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  6. mime-vs-dementia reblogged this from icansmellyourfate
  7. fuzzyhomeless reblogged this from icansmellyourfate and added:
    An avatar dildo addict :)
  8. cyclpsrock reblogged this from icansmellyourfate and added:
    Jhonen Vasquez has predicted the exact circumstances in which I will face my death. How does he do it!?
  9. stirlo reblogged this from icansmellyourfate
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